my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
