You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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