you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
