he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize