Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm jealous of your bromance
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
