after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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