I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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