i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
