Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
