the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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