you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
