Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize