I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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