She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
