I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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