You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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