um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize