if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
