I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
