The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
