I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
