i was born a porn star she said
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
