Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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