Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
