i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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