its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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