Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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