So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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