I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
