She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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