Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
