i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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