I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
