Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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