Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
