I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
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