This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
