im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
