Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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