So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
