I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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