his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
