Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize