you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize