if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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