"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
