Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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