Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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