Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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