i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
