if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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