I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
