I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
