What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
