I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
