I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
