ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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