Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
