oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
