Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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