I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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