I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
