i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
